Personal Rant

Its really hard to keep up the “I’ve got my shit together” act sometimes.

Throughout grad school I was an anxious mess.   I feel like I was always stressed and talking about how stressed I was over everything: not scoring the best on an exam, not exercising enough, not being the best girl friend, not being able to find a job.  I worried about everything.  Surely my friends were annoyed.

Once I graduated and landed a great job in California, I thought “great, this is my time to get my life together.”  And I’ve been able to maintain that.  I moved to a small apartment in Cali, started my job, got engaged, moved to a bigger apartment, got a raise, joined a triathlon club etc.  When things are going well, its pretty easy to appear like a well adjusted adult.

Underneath, friends and family don’t see that you come home sometimes in tears because some people you work with can be unbearable.   Or you are just in tears because you are so freaking tired after a 12 hour day.  You face mansplaining every day at work.  You are having trouble eating at normal times because you are working weird hours, so you work out over your lunch hour, and squeeze food in when you can.  Someone you love died.  Your credit card is wracking up the wedding costs.  Every time you think about your wedding, which you are looking forward to, you also have this nagging feeling that your bridesmaids would much rather not go because you have asked them to do something insanely expensive.  You feel that you are constantly letting them down, even. Your beautiful apartment is a wreck most of the time.  Friends who don’t live in California and aren’t paying $2550 a month plus utilities for a one bedroom apartment think you are making bank, and you fear they are surely judging you for your expensive resort wedding.  Your student loans also think you are making bank because they don’t consider cost of living when they see your income and decide you can in fact pay the maximum monthly back.  Your eyes hurt and you are due for an eye appointment but your not covered for another month.  You have lower back pain.   And bad posture.  And your significant other is just as stressed about different things, so you tend to put your issues on the back burner because honestly your problems are smaller problems.

Sometimes a bunch of insignificant problems turns into the weight of the world.  A ton of feathers still weighs a ton.

Heres to everyone keeping their shit together, and hoping for the sun to come out.  Because I can’t get any more of this rain in California, I already had to shell out 500 bucks for a new wheel after my Passat hit a pothole.  Until then, in the words of many psychologists before me, fake it til you make it.

happy faking it!



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